Lost Cause

"Trust your Instincts", they say. Often enough, they tend to be accurate, scarily accurate, that is. So much so that I developed major trust issues when it comes to opening up my heart to someone else, especially one of the opposite sex. 

At the present stage, it is still the same. It is not that I do not want to do so, I can't. I tried, but I really can't. There is just something that's holding me back, a subconscious sense telling me to be careful, holding me back, securing myself. It's the fear of losing myself to something or someone and be disappointed, hurt to the core again. I have been through that, was blinded, once, no twice. I have learnt my lesson the hard way. It cost me my grades.

Now that I will not have clear second chances to fix my life again if the same event occurs, I get more protected. It does not help with two struggling years of uncertainty and mind-conditioning to expect the worse out of it. 

Is that why some guys I've previously dated (dating and being in a relationships are two separate entities, to me) are so afraid to commit? Hmm... maybe we were/are on the same yacht. Heartbroken, and never to give in again.

"The path to the top is a tough and lonely one" - and yet I am more than happy to choose it over the feeling of being stabbed deep in the heart by a dagger and chained to that sensation for eternity. 

I am not thinking too much. One can tell if someone is being mindless in a conversation, shows how much you (don't) matter, really.

Life goes on ... the 'Ideal' remains, nothing but a fragment of my needs.

[This is outrageously unacceptable. It is emotionally taxing and affecting my life in general. What happened to my sunshine??]

Soul Searching

Stagnation. Not really my cup of tea. For the past 47 days, it felt like I've be trapped in some motionless realm. A hibernating mode for my Spirit-self, something I do not agree to. A sense of lethargy glued onto you so hard that no matter how determined you try to shake it off, it affects you in most unexpected ways. That period in time involved a lot of thinking; constant soul searching in life. Without any focus, I can't seem to execute my daily tasks beyond regular expectations. In fact, it feels like I've done nothing, useless procrastination, which I'll most probably pay for it later. What I discovered is the level of suppression of certain emotions and thoughts which will result to a holistic collateral damage. At some point, those thoughts and emotions will break through any strong barricade set before them in the most silent and deceiving manner. Alas, one has to face any trial and turmoil no matter how much effort was placed in securing it in that chest. So, to be partially 'heartless' to survive, or give in to a sensation that may or may not last ... Funny how to completely distinct matters can be so similar at some point.